In the age of pixels and videos, airbrushed ads and billboards, sex sells, but only glamourous sex, only the sex of youth and beauty. Let’s be honest, we live in a world where no one wants to see ‘mature sex.’ In fact, in our visually oriented lives, sex and age are not words that compliment each other. Sex between people over forty is something best kept out of sight, out of mind.
When viewing scantily clothed people, we want them to be attractive. When reading a sexy novel, the characters we see in our imaginations are fit, lean and beautiful when they sweat and writhe and frolic with one another. Bottom line – visible sex is for the thirty and under crowd. For anyone much older than that, invisible sex is the standard.
Sexual invisibility definitely applies for anyone over forty, especially women. And that’s not necessarily bad. While sexually invisible, we might be, if anything, we have more sexual freedom and fewer inhibitions than those who are younger. A great deal of the more relaxed attitude we have toward sex is because of that invisibility.
Sex and youth and the biology that drives us are meant to preen and flaunt, attract and arouse. The survival of the species depends on it. Even though these days it’s less about procreation and more about recreation than it was for our cave dwelling ancestors, the biology is still there. And the truth is that after a certain age, our sexuality becomes irrelevant. If we’re planning to do our part in guaranteeing the next generation, we’ve already done the deed. Tick that box and move on. At that point, our sexuality becomes whatever we’re willing to make of it.
In a share group about female sexuality I sat in on once, several things became very evident. For younger women there was far more stress around having sex, far more pressure to be having it often and far more pressure to be seen as sexual and attractive. Among those of us over forty, there was a quiet confidence. There was a sense of adventure that had less to do with the need to be thought of as ‘doing it right’ than just the need to enjoy the hard-earned freedom that comes from our experiences. While for the younger crowd, attraction is a key ingredient, whether it’s the upkeep of the ‘lady garden’ or the best way to display the package, for the older, been-there-done-that-crowd, it was more about creative sex and the sexual self at the centre of our own journeys. There was less to stress about, there was a subdued sense of anticipation.
I can only speak from my own experiences and observations. If I’m honest, it’s possible that some of my comments may come from a tiny bit of sour grapes at wondering why the age of young and beautiful sex passed me by so quickly. But speaking for myself, whether visible and beautiful or invisible and raunchy, sex is a far deeper component of who I am that I ever could have imagined when I was twenty and the world was new to me. The many layers of sexuality have become more obvious and more important now that I’m well past forty.
The stunning connection between sex and creativity, between sex and the timeless wild woman who lives at the core of me is a brave new world to be explored without the stress of finding a partner and being sexual eye candy. The discovery of just how far beneath the skin my sexuality actually goes is an endless adventure, explored as much through the avenue of my writing as through the physical act. In fact one deepens the other. Even the sexual explorations with a partner become less about looks and more about something that goes core deep, something a lot freer, something we feel far less of a need to control.
In many ways, it’s our naughty little secret that people who are past the age of beautiful sex can be horny and filthy and fuck like rabbits. Who knew? And in truth, no one really wants to know unless they’re over forty. And then that naughty little secret becomes a much-needed lifeline to something powerful enough to move us past the loss of youth and beauty into the exciting new world beyond.
Perhaps the very best thing about sex invisible is that the pressure is off. What we do or don’t do in bed is all right by us. Fewer things embarrass us, fewer things frighten us, fewer things worry us. That alone can’t help but improve ones sex life.
In some ways I think my writing reflects my own sexual journey. Most of my characters are at the sexually beautiful age because that’s the kind of story that sells. But the stories I write have moved from the skin to skin of the physical act to the whole body, three dimensional experience of the sensual act, the mental and emotional act the personal act that all add up to the total package of our sexuality.
I suppose a big part of that has to do with my endless fascination with what actually makes sex so damn magical? Why is it the thing that intrigues us most about being human, while at the same time the thing that frightens us most?
How deep our sexuality goes into our human nature becomes more visible with experience, and experience comes with age. While it’s the air brushed, waxed well coiffed and fit sex, the visible sex of youth and beauty we want to see and read about and imagine, it’s a far bigger picture of the Self we reach when our sexuality is allowed to guide us through middle age and beyond.
While we may pine for youth and beauty, we’d never want to give up the depth of sexual experience, of life experience that leads us to sex invisible and the secret smiles that maybe don’t drive story and don’t sell perfume, but sure as hell make life sizzle long past middle age.
This week we are talking about Asexuality and Kink based on the article written by The Pagist. If you have not read it you can listen to it here on the podcast or read the article.
Last week we made a little mistake. We said it was all quiet and there was little to report. Just as the Nazi's came out in Charlottesville. We recorded that episode a bit earlier than normal so we could go to a super secret meeting that weekend.
Out hearts go out to the victoms in Charlottesville and Barcelona. We wish you all the best.
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance" - Leonard H. Courtney
On top of all that Bruce Forsyth [9:35] has died.
Indian women are protesting politicians in their home country who think women should be at home late at night.
On the rise in the UK are incidents of men trying to take pictures up womens skirts. In what can only be termed assult, some perpertaitors actually seem to think it is fine.
The number 15,000 has been thrown around a lot recently as the number of tensgender personnel serving in the US military. It seems that number is well off the mark to the tune of about 5 thousand.
There just isn't the time to go into the huge pay gap for women working at the BBC.
When you have a kink you must love sex right? That simply isn't the case, you can plnety of kinks that have nothing to do with sex. How you want enjoy your kinks is totally up to you and you can do it how you want.
I’ve previously written here about some of the questions asexuals receive about our sexuality (or lack thereof).
One I didn’t cover was the responses we receive when we come out as kinky. Kinksters are generally considered to be people with a PhD in sex, so it’s understandable that when the average person finds out someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction is kinky it would cause gears to grind to a halt in their head and the words: ‘But, I thought you were asexual?’ to come flying out of their mouths with great haste.
After all:
Kink can be about anything you want it to be about. Power, control, trust, creativity. Even for sexual people, some kinks aren’t sexual. Sploshing (playing with food, mud, paint, etc), for instance, can just be about having fun and making a big mess like you’ve been told not to since you were a child.
Some kinks are sensation based. Being tickled or caressed with silky fabrics or having warm (not hot) wax dripped on the body can be about the specific feeling occurring and can be meditative when it’s not being used as a way to get from point A to point Sex.
Allowing a person to do these sorts of things and trusting they aren’t using it as a way to initiate sex is incredibly intimate and, for asexuals, a relief. BDSM encourages communicating and respecting boundaries, as well as enjoying specific activities for what they are in a way that non-kinky sex doesn’t always, where penetrative sex is often seen as the ultimate goal of any sort of affection.
There are also fetishists that simply like the feel, sight or smell of wearing latex, rubber, leather, silk, or any other textile or texture you can think of. It may be sexual or it may just be sensual.
Another non-sexual way to enjoy kink is heavy bondage—where a person is completely encased in what’s called a body bag or something similar. This sort of equipment makes sex impossible. Some people find the experience sexually arousing while others find it comforting and relaxing. Finally, they can stop worrying about answering every text—they literally can’t see, hear or reach their phone! It gives them permission to forget about work for the hour or so they’re being restrained.
Kink can be used to trigger neurochemicals that give a person a natural high—this is usually achieved by administering pain in carefully orchestrated ways (not just hauling off and having a go at someone). This feeling is called ‘subspace’. One of the best parts of subspace is there’s no hangover. It can be triggered by intense psychological domination in some cases, as well.
Role play is about, well, play. Once we’re over a certain age we’re no longer allowed to make up characters and pretend to be anything other than who we are. There’s no rule that says the only time you can pretend to be another person is when you want to get your genitals out. Kink is about finding people who want to be creative—who celebrate creativity. You can create characters for one scene or discover an aspect of yourself to bring back again and again. Costumes and props not required.
Above all, BDSM scenes are collaborative and require communication. The bottom (person receiving stimulation) has to know themselves well and be able to communicate what they need and want from various types of scenes and the top (person running the scene) has to take that information and use it to create something they’ll both enjoy. As the people involved get to know and trust one another more, scenes can become more involved and intense and emotionally intimate.
##Service
This one gets its own heading because it’s a bit more complicated to explain. (And it’s my favourite.)
Service is more about identity—it’s about the DS in the middle of BDSM, or the people who identify as Dominant or submissive.
Some people find a deep sense of satisfaction in being useful to their leader type, which can be a Dominant, Master, Owner or other person they’ve allowed to have a consensual leadership position in their life. Doing things for that person is called ‘providing service’ and can literally be anything. Cleaning the house, grooming the dog, running errands, handling taxes. Whatever the follower type (submissive, slave, pet, property, etc) is good at.
It’s important that the follower be good at the service they’re providing, as both members of the power exchange (or authority transfer) want the relationship to succeed. Followers want to make their leaders happy and leaders want to provide opportunities for their followers to make them happy. Assigning someone a task they can’t accomplish is called setting someone up to fail and it’s a sign of the bad kind of sadist who’s on a serious power trip.
People who derive great enjoyment from making life easier for their leader type are called service-oriented submissives. This is the title even if you identify as a slave or property or human puppy. Sexual service is a type of service some people provide, if you’re wondering, but it doesn’t have to be and it’s not a given.
Not everyone who is submissive enjoys providing service. They may do as they’re told because it makes their leader type happy and they like that part. Some of us are lucky and we genuinely love doing chores (no, a service-oriented submissive cleaning service doesn’t exist.)
People who provide service may get everything they need from the service itself and may not even engage in kink play with their leader type.
Or they may have full on kinky monkey sex with them. That’s to be decided between each couple or group just like any other consensual relationship.
There are myriad ways to connect with and be attracted to other people—intellectually, romantically, physically, sexually, emotionally, and so on. Kink scenes and relationships provide an entire playground of ways to explore those connections, deepen your intimacy and learn about your partner(s) and yourself.
This week we are talking about Body Positivity based on Candy Snatch's article (listen to the previous episode to hear the audio version). It is something we all encounter every day. For some it is a non-issue, they are at ease with who they are. But for many feeling positive about their own body is something they find hard to do.
This week CandySnatch has written an article about body positivity and what it means to her. Why you need to stop being so critical of how you look and concentrate on how you feel. You might be able to control how you look, you might not. But it doesn't define who you are, you get to decide that.
This week we are doing something a little different. We have two very special guests: Kayla Lords and John Brownston from the amazing LovingBDSM podcast.
We are talking about this weeks article on protectors.
A lot of people coming into the kinky scene (female subs especially) can think it is a good idea to have someone look after them. There are plenty in the scene who are willing to help them. But are they really doing it for the right reasons and is it really healthy? That is what we are talking about.
This is the reading of this weeks article "Proctors" by Zak Jane Keir.
This week we are talking about our article Colour my kink written by Emmeline Peaches. Colour can have such a huge affect on your mood, so getting it right is very important.
This week we are also sticking to the new format of 30 minutes. Keeping it trimmed down as much as possible but that doesn't mean we don't have time for some rants.
There are a few films that I think should never be touched. Among them is the musical version of Little Shop of Horrors. Directed by Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) in 1986 it is an incredibly tight and hilariously funny musical about a plant that wants to take over the world. The special effect still stand up now, and the cast is top notch. Remaking this can only make an inferior film, even if Rebel Wilson is in it.
Out of nowhere Donald Trump has decided to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military in any way. In what might ultimately be an illegal decision it is a sad day for the US.
To their credit The Pentagon came out and said they do not take orders by tweet, and they would have to see a signed order from the President before they would even consider what to do.
Published this week int he Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn posted a huge homophobic rant agains one of the Royal Navy's top generals when he came out saying he is glad we would not ban transgender people from serving.
In what is little more than a homophobic and transphobic tirade Littlejohn shows his true colours.
Colour has a huge affect on how you feel, but you don't always notice it.